Some of you may of heard of Ayahuasca and some of you may not have – I hadn’t until recently but since hearing about it it seemed to be everywhere I went and everywhere I looked. I felt like Ayahuasca was calling me and so I decided to spend 2 weeks at the Hummingbird Ayahuasca retreat in the Amazonian jungle.
Ayahuasca isn’t a drug and doesn’t exist for the purpose of getting fucked up and ‘tripping balls’ (although that part is a lot of fun), it’s a medicine, a spirit plant used for healing. It’s drank with a shaman who helps with the healing process and whose primary purpose is to keep the bad spirits away.
Ayahuasca has had huge amounts of success curing many illnesses such as depression, addictions and even some serious physical diseases. She really shows you your shit, often magnifying it, forcing you to face any pain and issues you might have and then helps you to process it and release it from your body.
The experience can be very difficult for some people, depending on what demons they have to face but most people leave with a renewed sense of self, strength, understanding and ability to move forward with their lives. Those who have spent time in therapy say that Ayahuasca achieved in just a few weeks what their therapist couldn’t achieve in years and even the most staunch non believers leave not being able to deny that the spirit world exists.
On my first ceremony, the medicine, which tastes disgusting by the way, came on very strong. It was an incredibly intense feeling and I spent the entire night holding onto my purge bowl, which became the centre of my universe. That was my only way of holding onto reality. After being pulled into a keleidoscope of colours, I felt my face melt, followed by my body until I became one with the universe. It felt like my soul had gone home. I had a lot of intense visions, many of which seemed related to past lives. I felt calm and peaceful and could feel the healing that was being done on me as the shaman sung his icaros (spiritual songs) around me.
The following day at our group meeting, the shaman told me that I have spirits around me all the time who are trying to communicate and share information with me. He explained that the fact that I have been blocking this out for so long is what is making me sick. This isn’t the first time I’ve been told this.
In my early 20’s I had many experiences with spirits ‘haunting me’ regularly at night. It used to scare the hell out of me. At first I thought it was down to drugs and when I no longer did drugs and it was still happening, I put it down to my body detoxing from the drugs, but when I hadn’t touched drugs for 2 years and it was still happening, I had to start accepting what had been staring me in the face all along.
During this period I was drained and exhausted as I was being kept awake most nights. My broking career had just started and I was struggling as I felt like an 80 year old woman every day. I was scared as not everything that came to me felt good and I wasn’t ready to deal with something like this, so after 4 years of many different experiences I finally got some help to ask them to leave me alone. However I always knew that I would return to it one day when I was ready.
Until recently I haven’t spoken about these experiences to many people as I received so much negativity from people at the time but over the last year I have started to become more open about it and have known that it is something that I am going to need to open myself up to again at some point in the near future.
After the first ceremony I thought I was ready to accept this reality but when I drank San Pedro (another spirit medicine similar to Peyote, which tastes 100 times worse than Ayahuasca and the texture is like sand that needs to be chewed before you can swallow) I realised that I was still absolutely terrified. Terrified of the spirits, terrified of what/who this makes me, how this will change me and what people will think..
In my 2nd ceremony I saw hundreds of hands coming out of the light, trying to get me to cross over but I couldn’t take their hands as I was so scared of what it meant. I could feel myself resisting the medicine and the more I resisted, the more violently I threw up. Purging is a very common part of drinking Ayahuasca – it cleanses and detoxifies the body but my purging in this ceremony was incredibly violent and toxic. Even though I knew that resisting was making me sick I still couldn’t seem to let go. I asked Ayahuasca what was on the other side and she told me that I would have to take a leap of faith but I just couldn’t seem to trust. I experienced many other things that night which showed me the intensity of my fear and left me feeling depressed and confused.
Over the next few days I did a lot of energy releasing exercises with the energetic healer, who told me that my body was completely blocked with heavy energy from years of resisting. My body feels so much lighter now and even now, a week later, I have dizzy spells every time I get up.
The 3rd ceremony was a real breakthrough for me. Another member in the group had told me that Bruce Lee’s dad had made him learn martial arts because he had a bad spirit entity with him and he wanted him to be able to protect himself against it. That night, I saw myself kicking ass big time – karate chopping and doing flying kicks, warning all the bad spirits to stay away but telling any spirit with good intention that they would be welcome. I saw myself becoming empowered and strong. At the same time that this was happening, my hand, with a mind of its own, started circling above my stomach, which I later found out is the power chakra.
Ayahuasca told me that spirits would be around me all the time, not just at night as I was used to and asked if I could accept that. I said that I could see myself accepting it but it would take some time. She told me that the spirits would give me information that I would need to share with others through writing. I guess this is the first step, as difficult as it will be for me to press send on this email as I know that I am subjecting myself to negative reactions and ridicule from those of you who don’t believe but I now understand that, for me to be truly happy, I have to accept my true self and to do that, I can’t be scared of what people will think of me. So here I am, warts and all..
During this period I was put on a dieta for 2 days which meant that I had to be segregated from the group to be alone with my thoughts, whilst following a strict diet. I was having a bit of a tough night on my 2nd night and I was woken by the shaman who was on the edge of my bed, shaking my leg and saying ‘hola senorita, esta bien’? (are you ok). When I woke myself up to answer him, I watched him disappear in front of my eyes. When I realised he wasn’t there I was intrigued by the fact that a spirit had spoken to me in Spanish whilst I was in a Spanish speaking country as spirit would usually communicate with me telepathically. When I told the shaman the next day that I had seen a spirit the previous night that had looked like him, he told me, very matter of factly, that it was him and that he was just checking up on me as if it wasn’t a big deal at all – astral projection, now that’s some impressive shit!
My 4th ceremony showed me that, now that I had accepted, I was putting too much pressure on myself and was trying too hard to connect. She told me that I needed to relax, stop stressing and have some fun as everything will happen naturally. I could actually see my brain stressing about how to stop stressing so I told it to go to Barbados for 2 weeks and have a cocktail or 2, which is funny, as I can barely remember a thing about my 5th and final ceremony. The visions were coming so quickly and I was deep in the medicine. The only thing I really remember is having a vision that I had a gun in my hand and I decided to shoot myself in the face to see what would happen (as you do). I saw myself walking up the stairway to heaven and through the pearly gates but the next thing I know I was having a conversation about place mats!!! I guess my brain took my advice and went on holiday after all..
NB: It took me a long time to realise the importance of taking that gun and shooting myself in the face (don’t try this at home folks) but to have gone from not being able to take a leap of faith by taking someone’s hand in the 2nd ceremony to pulling the trigger for the sheer hell of it in my last ceremony shows just how far I had come in those 2 weeks to really be able to start to take a hold of my fears and no longer allow them to control me.
Since finishing my travels I have embraced the magical gift that I have with spirit and have started to develop my psychic and mediumship skills.
When Ayahuasca told me that spirit had information for me that they wanted me to communicate through writing, I didn’t understand what that would be but for quite some time now, as my connection with spirit grows and strengthens, I have come to understand that I am to help to raise awareness in a world that lives so deeply unconsciously that it’s practically in a coma.
That is the reason I have started this blog. I don’t yet know where it will go but I trust that spirit will guide me and communicate through me those issues that need to be addressed. I am but a channel for the work of spirit..